Today's Random Thoughts

My mom left when I was just 2 years old,

so I grew up without both parents in the home, and for that reason I wanted so badly for Dakota to grow up with both parents.

But it never happened.

This year she started acting out in school, and all I could do was blame myself, maybe if I'd gotten us our own house by now, or I could find someone to love us, she wouldn't be acting this way. It began to eat away at me, so much that I stopped caring about me and just tried to focus all on her. But as most of us know, we can't focus on anyone if we are not taking care of ourselves.

I knew Dakota could see a change in me, and one night she randomly said, "Mom, everything isn't always going to be perfect. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect. No one is perfect, or good all the time, nothing is always good." I legit just stared at her, "What made you want to say that?" She looked up from what she was doing, "I don't know, the thought just popped in my head." It hit me like a brick to the face. What kind of example was I showing? When times are hard, I get weak? I tucked her in, said goodnight and got to work.I made a list of what it takes to take care of myself. I know it sounds stupid, but I did it, as a reminder, to do it. The simple morning routine stuff :

_________________

Eat breakfast

brush teeth

straighten hair

workout

shower

put on make up

put on a dress

take a photo

love yourself

____________________

The next morning I started, and continued for a week. I was disciplined, and I didn't waiver. I began to see a small change in Dakota, she was listening better, wanting to help more, keep her room organized and clean. Am I saying just from taking care of myself that her whole situation turned around? No. But I am instilling in her a memory of her mom taking care of herself, for her to remember when she gets older, and has children. To this day, every day, I complete the above list.

Although my mom left when I was 2, my grandma was always such a love to me. She was graceful, beautiful, and the kindest woman I knew. She always made me feel loved, and hugged me often. I only remember her being done up, her makeup was always just right, earrings worn with a beautiful smile, and perfume from heaven itself. Her house was always kept nice and tidy. Her beauty wasn't why she was beautiful, it was the way she carried herself, everything that was hers was taken care of, which spoke volumes. I aspire to be like my Grandma Killough, she was everything I want to be, when Dakota looks back on her life, I want her to remember her mother as someone who took care of herself, so that she could better take care of her loved ones. A mother who shows her daughter how to be strong, both mentally and physically. A mother who guides her daughter, and allows her to create her own path.

Today's random thoughts