Deep thoughts at Dark Times High

How did I first deal with my deep thoughts? Well after getting told to stop thinking them, they turned into "dark thoughts." I tried to Stop thinking them, when I couldn't, I resented myself for feeling them. Nobody told me they were what made me human. Only certain thoughts and ideas were allowed to be talked about, everything else you were just supposed to act like didn't exist, like they weren't written all over you. I wasn't taught that these thoughts help to shape your outlook, and go more in depth on your "why," and how you are able to discover your path, desires, and way of life. I was never taught how to understand them, correct them and grow from them. So, I continued to run from them.

First, I tried to put all of my energy in "finding someone," people seemed really happy when they were in a relationship, maybe these thoughts will stop once I have that. I chased relationships, I began finding myself in relationships and feeling trapped, I just didn't get it, why didn't it work? Then I turned to alcohol, it made me feel alive and in the moment at that time, the thoughts were gone and I was who I've always wanted to be. Until I'd wake up the next morning and be disgusted with my behavior, not understanding why I did what I did. I didn't like the person I was shaping myself into.

Drinking was becoming apart of my routine and the habit was forming. I didn't want to become reliant on something that was taking a number on my personality and any type of joy I had left. It was a temporary escape, for that evening, or that weekend, I felt good. But as soon as it was over, I was right back where I started, now with even more time wasted.

I tried looking to loved ones, or even "public figures in the veteran community," to see what they were doing to keep themselves happy. But the more I looked to other people, the more I realized they had their own demons they were running from. You can't tell someone how to fight demons if you're running from yours.

One day I made a plan to wake up before the sun arose, and drive up towards the gorge. I knew I could find at least one trail to go on. I packed some food, my phone and headphones, and started the trail right as the sun was rising. I was all alone, just me, some background music and all of my thoughts. The thing about dark thoughts, depth is infinity, it goes on forever, you can't tell if you're standing at the edge of the cliff or on the right path when it's pitch black out. In the light we are able to navigate ahead, see roadblocks and detour around them. But in darkness, we can not prepare for anything, only our feet and finger tips as the mind has to take full function to help guide us through.

Once the sun fully rose in the sky I was able to clearly see my path all the way up. The thoughts that I was afraid of I had finally let back in. My goal this day was to regain myself, take the power back, and stop running.

If you would've asked me not even a year ago, how I deal with my deep thoughts, I probably would've laughed and said "what deep thoughts?" But now? My deep thoughts, I own them. When I am in a dark place, I know I am there, I prepared for it, in the time of light. I no longer pretend like I don't have dark times, the more we lie about it, the darker it gets.

When I do share my deep thoughts, I don't expect anything in return. I just hope that even one person reads and knows they are not alone. I want more people to know that their thoughts matter, however deep or dark they go, it's what makes them human, and instead of running from them, more people need to face them, learn from them, then fight them and shape them into exactly what they need.