Too dark for some

I've known darkness my whole life. At the age of 10 I witnessed my mom pop so many pills, that she had no idea who I was, when I tried to pick her up off the bathroom floor. At the age of 10! That was the day she died to me. Her body is still alive, though.

Unconditional love is a crazy thing, right? The one person who is suppose to pick you up off the floor, is the one who needs it. But your shoulders were too weak, you were just developing. Is it her fault you turned out the way that you did? I used to believe that. This was her fault, how dare she. At age 10, you don't understand what "running," is, life seems pretty amazing for the most part, you don't understand why adults choose to run with pills or alcohol.

What happened to her and at what age did her mind start telling her to run from the thoughts and feelings that she was having? Was she beating herself up because my dad ended up getting custody of us? Or did she really not give a shit, and feel bad about not caring? Was she just not mentally stable to have children, or was it she was just that selfish? To this day I still don't know, and honestly I never will. She wont ever be released from the prison she built for herself.

From what I have been through, and put myself through, I see clearer. I rose above the sadness, the pain, and the hate. She has been forgiven, but I won't act like her actions didn't shape me. They were just the beginning of the shit I was going to go through, to become who I am meant to be.

At the age of 10, my innocence was taken, I no longer saw a world full of amazing, magical things, I saw true darkness, the person I loved the most, was on the bathroom floor running from her pain, with no idea that she was hurting me the most. She showed me that demons defeat us, then She yelled at me to go away.

I went back to my sleeping bag in the middle of the living room and I cried myself to sleep. I asked myself if I should call my dad and step mom, but I knew my mom would hate me for calling them here to see her.

Fast forward to me as a mom, and one night I had my moment, it brought me back to ten years old, looking at my mom defeated on the bathroom floor. It was like the devil himself brought me back to that place in my head and laughed as if to tell me, it's just going to continue, I will keep destroying you from within.''

And then it changed to me on the floor and Dakota looking at me, I knew I had a choice... do I repeat what mom did, or do I face these demons so Dakota doesn't have to? I already know how the story ends if I am defeated, he comes for her! I made a decision to stand up.

That was it, that's all it takes. You come to a cross road and you decide if the fight is worth it. Do you let it defeat you, or do you stand up to it so that those who come after may be taught true strength?

That is my mindset, I had to go through this so that I can build a strong castle for myself and my family to dwell in for years to come.

Have you made some fucked up decisions? Look at your root, what brought you to that place? Are you running or are you facing your demons? They only win if you allow them to. Sometimes alcohol or drugs can make us feel like we are taking a break, but if you don't watch them closely they will turn into the biggest demons of all. And we both know, you're stronger than that. Stop running, and face them. If you don't face them, your children will.